To Seth,

Illustrious director of Camp Grace,

from the guys in the Lions cabin

Dear Seth,
Take heart! We’ve seen your plight
And think it still may turn out right:
If you’ll just take some sound advice,
We’ll have you fixed up in a trice,
All happy with a loving wife
To brighten up your fading life.
By many counselors one learns,
And so we brought a few concerns
(Like growing age and growing belly)
To seek help from our dear friend Shelly,
Who straightens out old bachelor fools
With long, laborious lists of rules.
She said with that fine, bearded face
You’re not at all a hopeless case,
And really, you were doing great
Right up to rule ninety-eight, –
But then things started getting sticky:
Ninety-nine was kind of tricky,
Confirmed one of your greatest fears –
You’ll have to lose the teddy bears.
No matter your good looks and chivalry,
A woman just can’t take the rivalry,
So Shelly says they have to go,
And Shelly’s always right, you know:
It seems you have to make a choice
Between a wife and cuddly toys…
Well, happiness, on second thought,
Is making do with what you’ve got, –
And bears are much more easily found
(Less trouble, too, to keep around),
So take our last bit of advice,
This parting ‘word unto the wise’:
A woman may be kind of nice,
But trust me, teddy will suffice.

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